Stupid Statements, Oxymorons and Humor from the Hotline
 

February 6 2006
Counterbias.com
MEL SEESHOLTZ

"Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them."

-- Jerry Falwell, CNN’s Crossfire, May 1997

Although no one outdoes George W. for stupid statements, a Pennsylvania Republican legislator came close. The January 29, 2006 headline read: “If marriage isn’t defined as only a union between one man and one woman, state Rep. Arthur D. Hershey believes people will want to marry animals”:

Hershey, of Cochranville, who represents the 13th District, was one of about 90 legislators, including four others from Chester County, to cosponsor the Marriage Protection Act, a bill introduced Tuesday [January 24, 2005] to constitutionally define marriage in Pennsylvania.

 

Hershey said this week that without the bill, “down the road, people will want to marry their dogs and horses to get benefits.”

That’s as ludicrous as George W. spending $1.5 billion on a single PR campaign in 2003 to “protect marriage” from gay people who want to get married, or his recent calls – in the “State of the Union” address – and in other speeches to increase the quality of science education in America’s public schools at the same time he supports teaching religion – in the form of “creationism” and “intelligent design” – as science in public school science classes.

As the Associated Press reported, in a February 3, 2005 speech at Intel’s computer chip-making plant outside Albuquerque, Bush pitched “a package of proposals aimed at better positioning America against fast-growing economies like China and India, which place high emphasis on math and science education and are gobbling up U.S. jobs.” Gosh, could that be partly because China and India teach science in science classes rather than religion?

Amusing oxymorons came from Colorado: “Saying they were motivated by love, a coalition of religious and family groups formally kicked off a drive Wednesday [February 1, 2006] for an amendment to the state constitution that would ban gay marriage.” Huh? How could “love” motivate a desire to prevent the ultimate expression of love, “marriage”?

If that doesn’t make sense, ponder this statement from Bishop Phillip H. Porter Jr. of All Nations Church of God in Christ, one of the “loving” backers of the anti-love amendment: “We can have it [love]. We are all called to have that love even when it hurts us, even when it hurts others.” Huh? Who’s being hurt by gays and lesbians getting married? And if, by some strange delusion, gay marriage “hurts” Bishop Porter, he did say that hurt is okay with him: “even when it hurts us.”

That “us” includes Porter’s “Coloradans for Marriage” – even though they oppose marriage – a collective that includes other “loving” churches as well as “loving” national “groups such as Focus on the Family, the U.S.  Conference of Catholic Bishops and the National Association of Evangelicals, headed by Ted Haggard, pastor of Colorado Springs’ New Life Church.” [italics and link added]

Focus on the Family, was founded and is chaired by James Dobson who, on October 22, 2004, while addressing a crowd supporting bans on same-sex marriage, claimed that the gay and lesbian Americans fighting so hard for the civil right to embrace the civil institution of marriage “want to destroy” it. According to Dr. Dobson, allowing loving, monogamous same-sex couples to wed would not only “destroy marriage. It will destroy the earth.” His 2004 book Marriage Under Fire is a cornucopia of “loving” homophobic propaganda and equally ridiculous rants. (See “Out of Focus on the Family: A Response to Arguments about Same-Sex Marriage” in Popular Culture Review, 16:1 [February 2005], 45-75, as well as other CounterBias articles.)

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. You remember them: the “loving” group that put out document after document, statement after statement condemning same-sex marriage and whose members were largely responsible for decades of covering up the pedophile sex scandal in “The Roman Catholic Church of Corruption.” Just to remind you, here are a few of the documented atrocities the “loving” Church hierarchy covered-up:

An 11-year-old girl was repeatedly raped by a priest who took her for an abortion when she became pregnant.

 

A fifth grader was molested by a priest inside a confessional.

 

 A teenage girl was groped by a priest while she lay immobilized in traction in a hospital room.

 

A priest offered money to boys in exchange for sadomasochistic acts of bondage and wrote a letter asking a boy to make him his “slave.” The priest remains in ministry.

 

A sadistic priest enjoyed having children play the roles of Jesus and other biblical characters in parish Passion plays. He made them disrobe and whip each other until they had cuts, bruises and welts.

 

 A priest falsely told a 12-year-old boy his mother knew of the assaults and consented to the rape of her son.

The National Association of Evangelicals (NAE) is headed by Ted Haggard. The Denver Post called him “Man of Cloth and Clout.” Haggard’s beliefs and the NAE mission statement – “to extend the kingdom of God through a fellowship of member denominations, churches, organizations, and individuals, demonstrating the unity of the body of Christ by standing for biblical truth, speaking with a representative voice, and serving the evangelical community through united action, cooperative ministry, and strategic planning” [italics added] – definitely do not include civil equality for gays or marriage. But since NAE is a “loving” group that believes in the infallibility of the Bible, and is a powerful political lobbying force, more than gays and lesbians should be concerned.

Leviticus 24:10 clearly commands, “Bring forth him that hath cursed without the camp; and let all that heard him lay their hands upon his head, and let all the congregation stone him.” Leviticus 20:14 sanctions burning sinners to death, while Leviticus 24:11-16 call for a community gathering in order to stone to death those who plant two different crops in the same field or wear garments made of two different kinds of threads.

But special attention must be paid to Leviticus 15:19 which commands that, during her menstrual cycle, a woman must be “put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean” and, of course, need to be punished. There goes most loving couples’ love life.

And, of course, biblical law decrees the death penalty for those who work on the Sabbath. Does that included medical professionals, police officers and fire fighters? What about “religious leaders” who work the Sabbath for power and profit?

Deuteronomy provides a veritable litany of capital crimes. Chapter 22 verse 21 states that unless the parents of a bride can provide proof of her virginity, “then they shall bring the young woman out to the entrance of her father’s house and the men of her town shall stone her to death.” Think about it. In biblical times, how would the bride’s parents “provide proof of her virginity”?

The National Association of Evangelicals can’t seem to make up its mind on which of “God’s” laws are valid and should be enforced in other areas as well, as The Washington Post reported:

The National Association of Evangelicals said yesterday [February 1, 2005] that it has been unable to reach a consensus on global climate change and will not take a stand on the issue… Over the past four years a growing number of evangelical groups have embraced environmental causes, urging Christians to engage in “Creation care” and campaigning against gas-guzzling SUVs with advertisements asking, “What would Jesus drive?”

Actually, since Jesus was a carpenter, he probably would have driven a gas-guzzling truck or large SUV. Nevertheless Ted Haggard called the environment “a values issue.” But,

in a letter to Haggard last month, more than 20 evangelical leaders urged the NAE not to adopt “any official position” on global climate change because “Bible-believing evangelicals … disagree about the cause, severity and solutions to the global warming issue.” …

 

The letter’s signers amounted to a Who’s Who of politically powerful [Republican] evangelicals [and rabid homophobes], including Charles W. Colson, founder of Prison Fellowship Ministries; James C. Dobson, chairman of Focus on the Family; the Rev. D. James Kennedy of Coral Ridge Ministries; the Rev. Richard Land of the Southern Baptist Convention; Richard Roberts, president of Oral Roberts University; Donald E. Wildmon, chairman of the American Family Association; and the Rev. Louis P. Sheldon, chairman of the Traditional Values Coalition. [links added]

So forget equal civil rights for gay and lesbian Americans, screw Mother Earth, the beauty of nature, and the beauty of another of “God’s” gifts, human love.

The tragic love story of Brokeback Mountain has been a frequently discussed topic in all media outlets. What the film is about has been very well publicized. However, some of the members of the Crossroads Community Church in Bedford, Indiana seem to have a lot of trouble understanding what everyone else does: 

Two members at the church went to Bloomington a few weeks ago to catch a film. They weren’t familiar with the content of “Brokeback Mountain,” and watched it based on the playbill.

 

“About halfway through it, they decided they needed to leave because they were getting physically sick…,” [associate pastor Phil] Thorne said. “We feel like other than what’s been in the media about it, the advertisements have not been clear and have not really told what’s actually being shown in the movie.” [source link added]

Assuming the parishioners of the Crossroads Community Church get and read newspapers and magazines, have and watch television, have and use the Internet, how could Brokeback’s numerous “advertisements” have been unclear?

Thorne also made another comment: “We feel this [Brokeback Mountain] is an anti-biblical stance.” One can only presume, therefore, that Rev. Thorne and his parishioners obey all the biblical laws from Leviticus and Deuteronomy cited above. If not, he and his congregation are just homophobic hypocrites. If they do obey all those biblical laws, the population of Bedford must be very small and dropping fast.

The dogma so ubiquitous in the Christian Right’s rhetoric often ends up arguing against their point. In answering a question from a reader about how genetic evidence would affect society’s views of homosexuality and homosexuals, someone at Dobson’s Focus on the Family (FOF) responded with comments like these:

What if it could be demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt that homosexuality is, as activists claim, genetic, biochemical, and neurological in origin? We would still want to know, so what? …

Who cares about the American covenant that we don’t discriminate against people for things beyond their control? Theocracy is Dobson’s and FOF’s goal, with the “kingmaker” in charge of course, and nothing in the media but evangelical preachers saying “God” needs your money.

One comment in the FOF response provided the dogmatic punch line:

I know of no instance in Scripture where God winked at evildoers because of their flawed inheritance…

Who the “I” was giving the response was never made clear, but think about the statement. If “God” specifically created each person – as the Christian Right dogmatically maintains – wouldn’t “flawed inheritance” mean “God” screwed-up?

“God” and “religion” are only tangentially related, at best, and the Christian Right’s radical dogma is even further removed from “spirituality.” Consider the case of Rev. Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas. Everything Phelps says is as ludicrous and as lethal as was the Nazis’ propaganda against Jews, homosexuals, and the physically disabled. And what’s Rev. Phelps – who believes he is among the few preselected for salvation (a good joke in and of itself) – up to these days?

Westboro Baptist Church, headed by Fred Phelps and known for its “God Hates Fags” signs carried at protests, said it is picketing the funeral [of Coretta Scott King] because Mrs. King believed in equality for gay people.

 

Mrs. King’s longstanding support for gay issues included speaking out publicly against a proposed federal constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage. She was also a vocal supporter of HIV/AIDS awareness.

 

“WBC has warned Mrs. King for more than 10 year [sic] that by endorsing the homosexual agenda she was bringing down the wrath of God upon herself, her family and the black civil rights movement. She is an ingrate – unthankful and holy,” the church said in a press release.

I know: in the context of WBC’s letter “unthankful and holy” doesn’t make sense, but neither do Phelps and his followers. Larry Gross’s excellent article “Inventing Sin: Religion and Homosexuality: No matter their own scandals, religious institutions through history have a consistent scapegoat: homosexuals” explains the history and “rationale” behind religion and its dogma-based hate and discrimination. Another article, “The religious right’s high-profile moral and ethical failures could be a direct result of repressive religion,” by Rev. Steven Baines also explains much:

As someone who was raised and ordained as a Southern Baptist, I was saddened, but not shocked, at news of the recent arrest of the Reverend Lonnie Latham, a minister from Tulsa, Okla.., and executive committee member of the virulently antigay Southern Baptist Convention. Reverend Latham was arrested in Oklahoma City for alleged lewd behavior [Latham was charged], propositioning a male undercover police officer, in front of a motel known as a high-traffic area for gay cruising. Unfortunately, Reverend Latham’s story is one repeated by those in the darkest corners of the closet, who are trapped by the damaging teachings of misguided religious leaders.

 

The fall of this religious-right figure is part of an inevitable cycle of scandal, as the self-appointed guardians of “traditional values,” their moral ships sinking from under them, find themselves in the lifeboat with the rest of us sinners. The moral hypocrisy of many right-wing religious leaders comes from their fundamental misunderstanding of religion as the practice of a complicated and esoteric set of rules designed to restrict human freedom, rather than a way of living that frees individuals to lives of greater compassion and personal growth. [link and italics added]

It has been argued that humor is essential to “greater compassion and personal growth,” but the grim leaders of the Christian Right seem devoid of humor, as well as humanity and “personal growth.” Boycott king Don Wildmon of the American Family Association is a classic example. He got his knickers in a twist when it was announced that Britney Spears would make a guest appearance on the immensely popular show Will and Grace. No doubt the popularity of the show – with a homosexual character! – irked Don before the Britney appearance was announced. But soon after it was, Wildmon issued a “SPECIAL ALERT!” and call to action:

On the April 13 edition of NBC’s Will and Grace, Britney Spears will appear as a Christian conservative sidekick to Sean Hayes’ homosexual character, Jack, who hosts his own talk show. Jack’s fictional network, Out TV, is bought by a Christian TV network, leading to Spears contributing a cooking segment called “Cruci-fixin’s.” …

 

TAKE ACTION

1 Call your local NBC affiliate and ask them not to air the April 13 episode of Will and Grace . Ask others to call. Click here to find your local NBC station.

 

2 Click here to send a letter to NBC Chairman Bob Wright. Ask your pastor to run a notice in your church bulletins and newsletters and request members to go to www.afa.net and send the email to NBC Chairman Wright.

 

3 Click here to print out a petition (pdf) asking your local NBC affiliate not to air the April 13 episode and distribute it to your Sunday School class and fellow church members.

Next, and this is very important, please forward this to your friends and family today! [active links removed]

As one blogger humorously noted: “Those Crazy Christian Conservatives (forever known as the CCC, prounounced Kah-Kah-Kah) are at it again! This time, as with almost every other episode of, a new episode of W&G. The AFA headed by Donald Wildmon has sent out a newsletter warning people not to watch the episode and make [their] own minds up lest they burn in the fiery pits of Hell for their sins.” CCCers like to refer to NBC as the “Network Bashing Christianity.”

But the sanctimonious CCCers – who area constantly claiming to be victims in the so-called “culture wars” – have victimized America yet again. According to a February 3, 2005 article in World Net Daily, “Reacting to pressure from Christian groups, NBC canceled an episode of ‘Will & Grace’ that featured Britney Spears as a conservative who hosts a cooking segment called ‘Cruci-fixin’s’ on a [fictitious] Christian TV network.”

Too bad, the segmented sounded very funny. Apparently Wildmon and the other perpetually scowling leaders of the Christian Right believe “God” has no sense of humor. How odd that the self-appointed spokesmen for “God” forget Psalms 2:4: “The One whose throne is in heaven sits laughing …” Since humor is one of “God’s” greatest gifts to humanity, and like any divine gift, one can only assume Divinity wants us to use it to its fullest.

I suggest Wildmon, and the rest of the dour, sour leaders of the Christian Right who take offense at just about everything have a look at The Christian Humor Hotline: “We believe that our God is a laughing God, and God who enjoys Himself, and that this joy extends to us as believers.” While all the sections on the site are good, I particularly like the “Bulletin Bloopers and Blunders (a compilation of actual Church Bulletin and Service bloopers).” Here’s a brief sampling:

-- The Lutheran men’s group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

 

-- Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”

 

-- Don’t let worry kill you – let the church help.

 

-- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

 

-- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

 

-- Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

 

-- Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother’s Club. All ladies wishing to become “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his study.

 

-- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

 

-- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

 

-- The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

 

-- Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

 

-- The associate minister unveiled the church’s new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

I wonder how the sour-puss leaders of the Christian Right would react to these if they didn’t know their source. And even if they did know, might Don Wildmon and the American Family Association launch a boycott of the Christian Humor Hotline for mocking Christianity and being anti-Christian?

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