The Trouble With Transparency
We can all take solace in the fact that our president promises a transparent investigation—right?
 

June 3 2005
Counterbias.com
by Brian Adler
 

George W. Bush has one word for Amnesty International – “Absurd.”

What word that organization has for him, one can only imagine. Yet we can all take solace in the fact that our president promises a transparent investigation of all charges. Transparency is a vital part of this government’s operations. In fact, Bush Administration officials are so completely transparent that they're practically invisible to even the most highly trained observers. 

See-through political agents and operatives are one of the many benefits of an Administration committed to the advancement of science and technology. Contrary to popular belief, an army of brilliant Bushologists is continually conducting new experiments and making astounding discoveries. Oftentimes, these miraculous inventions are hidden in plain sight (that’s right… transparent!). 

Republican diehards only wanted you to think that stem cell research was sinful. Had too many nosey types – they call them “Democrats” – checked in on the project, they might have discovered what Bushologists have know for months (maybe even years), that something in stem cells produces invisibility.  Yes... invisibility!

As is the case with all good ideas, this one started with our noble President. Seems George was reading a copy of H.G. Wells’ Invisible Man (the invisible edition of course) when he noticed something that had never been noticed before; not by generations of avid readers, nor by Nobel laureates or other egg-headed Bush-hating types. He realized that H.G. Wells’ story was a work of fact, not fiction. 

George W. Bush has always possessed a special ability to discern hidden meanings and uncover buried truths. Sometimes, he even passes it on – if only just a little bit – like the time he gave his good buddy, diplomat extraordinaire John Bolton, the special power to sniff out unseen weapons of mass destruction. I suppose “sniff out” is the best way of putting it, since you can’t “see” what isn’t there. Whatever you call it, Bush has it, and now so does John Bolton. But only a little bit.

Obviously this is why none of you are permitted to see the reams of classified documents relating to our future super-duper over-qualified gentleman’s gentleman of a U.N. Ambassador. While it is highly unlikely that Mr. Bolton would have disposed of any “sensitive information” in print, it is possible that other individuals with the superior brain power of a Bush might figure out the secrets of transparency for themselves. 

Mr. Bolton himself was already so advanced that, in addition to the obvious WMD in Iraq, he also “sniffed out” a Cuban cache. (Remember the time Fidel fell several months back? What a great diversion! By the time they’d got him back on his feet, “WMD no mas!” Everything was hidden! Arriba! Arriba!)

It is mostly on account of John Bolton’s secret talents that the Administration wants to draw your attention to his more obvious ones. You may not know it, but Monsieur Jean, as he was known, actually taught for more than twenty years at a Swiss Finishing School. He proofread for Miss Manners, and taught that freedom-hating Gallic hack, Jacques Chirac, the proper way to kiss hands. (Of course the inimitable M. Jean practiced his kissing on a different body part… Butt I digress.)

Unfortunately, the recent unpatriotic announcements of “torture,” “Quran Disrespect,” and “illegal un-American rendering of prisoners” has taken the sheen off an otherwise sterling record. Who can think of slam-dunking a natural like Johnny B. into his post at the U.N.? One more foul shot, and Bolton might just have to… bolt… but he won’t, because George never backs down, never gives in, never says never. 

All the more reason for Donald Rumsfeld’s carefully-chosen, finely modulated “dear me’s!” at a recent press conference. There couldn’t have been any abuse going on anywhere because it's not in the manual!Ah, so simple! Specially-trained Bushologists could not possibly have mistreated prisoners because it is against the rules! It is exactly the same kind of common sense logic as one finds at a “drug free school zone” – the dealer looks up, sees the sign, and says to himself,  "I’d better move along to a place where my drug dealing is legal.” Luckily, the Bush Administration’s guidelines are binding not only in certain places (like Drug Free Zones, or Free Speech Zones), but everywhere, and on everyone. 

Which brings us back to the problem of transparency – If you can’t do something out in the open, might you not try to do it behind the scenes?  If George W. Bush has all these rules and regulations for his visible agents, what about the invisible ones? 

Pardon me if I'm blowing somebody’s cover, but isn’t it possible that there are others who know the secrets of invisibility, or transparency?  Might Defense Department officials pose as State Department officials, or FBI officials?

Maybe they’ve even got an invisible double of our president somewhere. On the other hand – no! For the love of God, there can’t possibly be two of them!

As far as Bush's presidency goes, if only things weren’t so transparent, maybe we’d all see what is really going on. If only.

 

Brian Adler is a freelance writer and an avid history buff. He writes/researches for a company that produces factual essays and reports on a wide range of subjects. He also writes screenplays and short stories.
 

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