In times like these, it's important to listen to the president, even if one does not agree with his politics. The only way to make intelligent political choices is to listen to our officials after they are elected, painful as it may be at times. So, once again, dutifully armed with notebook and hope, I sat down to watch the president's news conference on Thursday.

It was clear after two or three sentences that I didn't understand his statements. I tried turning up the volume. That just seemed to make the words more ridiculous, and louder. I tried reading the closed-captioning, in case I was missing some vital details. No, I had heard exactly what he was saying, but it just didn't seem to make any sense. It's almost as though he was speaking about another country. He was talking about progress and fairness and freedom and trust, but none of the statements seemed to line up with his actions or handling of the government. Finally in frustration, I called a friend.

"Oh, he speaks in code," she said flippantly, as though everyone knows this.

"Code? Who knows the code? Congress? His wife? How am I supposed to understand what he is talking about?"

"Nobody knows the code, silly. That's the point. He takes every aspect of government that you read about in the press and tells about the events in his own words. It's kind of like how little kids tell a story the way they wish it had happened. They add a few exciting details and take out the stuff that makes them look bad. Makes for a great story, but not so much the truth."

"Well what am I supposed to do? I'm trying to figure out what is going on in this country..."

"Try reading a newspaper."

"But I want to know what he said!"

"Borrow my P-Translator then. It cost a ton of money, but I wouldn't have been able to live without it this past four years."

"P-Translator? How does it work?"

"You type in the president's exact words, and a screen comes up that tells you what he was really saying." 

"Perfect! I'll be right over!"

And so after hours of typing and reading the translation, I was finally able to make sense of the president's speech. I thought the results might be helpful to others as well. The transcript follows:

President: "American families and small businesses are hurting because of higher gas prices. My administration is doing everything it can...we need to become better conservers of energy."

P-Translator: "Don't be mad at me, guys, I don't even drive. What do I care about the price of gas? Blame the Clintons, blame the Congress. I just had the Saudi guy over at Crawford the other day, and he says they'll sell us all the oil we want. No no... don't listen to the Saudi ambassador who says increasing production won't help if we don't have the capacity to refine the crude oil. Just listen to me. I've gotten us this far, haven't I?"

President: "Social security is in serious trouble. We must keep the promise of Social Security for future generations. I will work with the Congress on any proposal that doesn't harm our economy."

P-Translator: "I'm the only one who gets to ravage the economy. I've done all I can to bring it to this low, and I won't have Congress muddling up my hard work." 

President: "If people aren't comfortable investing in the stock market, one option is treasury bonds, which are backed by the full faith of the U.S. government..."

P-Translator: "The government couldn't handle the social security stockpile in a way that could keep the system solvent, so now you should just hand them your money by purchasing treasury bonds. They have a great return if the government doesn't collapse."

President: "Some are balking at doing hard work."

P-Translator: "Huh?"

President: "I don't think you can make good solid decisions based on polls."

P-Translator: "I don't give a damn what the American people think and never have. Why do you idiots keep asking them?"

President (on Iraqi insurgency): "Some in Iraq aren't happy with democracy. They would rather go back to the old way of tyranny, torture chambers and mass graves."

P-Translator: "Our way is much better. Why would they want to die at the hands of a tyrant when we can kill them all nice and neat with a smart bomb?"

President: "I told the prime minister of Iraq, 'I hope you get your constitution written on time."

P-Translator: "I told the prime minister that a constitution looks good to the citizens but don't worry if you don't like it later. I can teach you how to dismantle it piece by piece whenever you feel like it by using the process of the law and judicial systems."

President: "I think people don't like my nominees because of their judicial philosophies... They don't want judges who legislate from the bench."

P-Translator:  They don't want perceived "liberal" judges to legislate from the bench. However, if you have the full force of God's conservative word behind you, then it's perfectly fine.

President: "The Russians have learned as we have not to trust Iran. Yes, they are sending highly-enriched uranium to civilian power plants in Iran, and then they will collect it."

P-Translator: We did the same thing with Iraq. We gave them all sorts of biological and chemical agents to fight Iran and then started screaming that they have weapons of mass destruction. Geez, of course they do. We provided them.

President (on prisoner interrogations): "We operate within the law. It is in our interest to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."

P-Translator: Error! Error! Get whom out of harm's way? Did the guy mean to say this? 

President:  "I am concerned about the economy, but the experts tell me the forecast of
economic growth is good."
    
P-Translator: No, it's not. The forecast for Saudi Arabia, however, is very promising. Just ask the Crown Prince... I had him over at Crawford the other day.

President (on No Child Left Behind): "Yeah, I think it's working because we're measuring progress... some people just don't like to measure."

P-Translator: I don't care if they're testing more than they're teaching. I don't care if teachers dread going into their classrooms because they know they'll be faced with yet another day of standardized tests. We're measuring, dammit, and measuring is good. Measure, measure, measure!

President: "I have teachers talk to me about how thrilled they are with No Child Left Behind."

P-Translator: I haven't really talked to any teachers about it, but I'm sure someone likes it because they re-elected me, didn't they? 

And finally:

President:  "I try to live my life by example."

P-Translator: This does not compute. Please try typing the sentence again and check your spelling.
 

Susan Shafer is an elementary school librarian in Houston, Texas. She can be contacted at Pgeturner@ev1.net.