Liberal Sheep, Pass The Mint Jelly!

August 6 2004
Counterbias.com
by MAN COULTER
T R U E   P A T R I O T


            I had a grand time the other day.  I joined in with a group of protesters at a theater in town showing Michael Moore’s film of lies, Fahrenheit 9/11.  We were there to tell the blame America first crowds a few things, among them, how stupid they were for seeing the movie.  As they came out of the theater – kids around ten years old, with their commie parents, we pelted them with moldy fruit and asked them when the flag burning was going to take place.  One of the parents came over and we got into a heated exchange, and then I discovered that the people we were tossing the moldy fruit at were actually leaving from a showing of the new Harry Potter film, so we had to head to the other side of the theater to catch the hate America first crowds.

            We did catch up with a crowd, and determined they had just come from Fahrenheit 9/11, but we realized that we had left the moldy fruit on the other side of the theater, so instead of pelting them with the fruit, we had to content ourselves with flipping them the bird.  Especially the teenagers.  And then we found out that this crowd had just finished watching White Chicks.  In fact, as it turns out, Fahrenheit 9/11 was being shown at a different theater, across town.  Never underestimate the determination of conservatives; especially a group of conservatives who are out in force to boycott a film we have no intention of seeing.

            We hopped into our cars and sped off, and when we reached the new theater, we checked and sure enough, the theater was showing the anti-American Fahrenheit 9/11.  At that point we realized we had left the moldy fruit at the other theater, but by then it was too late.  Instead, we would have to attack the crowd with the truth.  Which wasn’t as painful as getting hit in the head with a rotten apple.  Or was it?

            Now, the problem was trying to figure out which door the America-haters would exit from.  Since we didn’t know, we decided to break up into two small groups.  I’d handle one of the doors, and my friend George would handle the other door.

            Sure enough, the doors opened at the Moore freaks came out.  I approached one of the liberals – and you can always spot a liberal, because they do not bathe, so it’s just a matter of following the stench.  I approached one of the commies and asked, “Did you just see Fahrenheit 9/11?” and the pinko creep said, “Yes, I did.”  And then I said, “Ah-HA!  Did you know that Michael Moore lies?  His whole film is filled with lies!”

            “Which lies?”

            I was ready for this, the typical liberal bait-and-switch style of arguing.  “Bowling For Columbine was filled with lies!”

            “What?”

            That stopped him.  Liberals are easy to confuse, especially when armed with the truth.  Not the liberal, but me.  Armed with the truth. 

            “Did you know the Internet is filled with sites devoted to debunking his films and books?”

            This really confused the liberal.  He walked away, muttering under his breath.

            As I approached a hippy mother dragging her liberal brood behind her, I was ready to blast her with both barrels of the truth.  Michael Moore hates America.

Manny Coulter, who has a sister named Ann, is proud of fulfilling his patriotic duty of belligerently criticizing films he has not yet seen. His favorite movies are White Chicks and the upcoming Michael Moore Hates America ... which is not out yet.