Sex, Drugs and Communism: Strengthening Canadian Democracy

July 12 2004
Counterbias.com
Robert Furs

• On the Far Left, Canada has two Communist parties. The extreme right (contrary to popular Liberal claims, this does not describe the Conservatives) is not yet represented. How about a Fascist Party of Canada? Fascism is just what we need in an age of immorality, socialism, multiculturalism and overstretched freedoms. Whereas the Communist parties have no chance of winning with their misguided sanctimony towards Mussolini-like principles, a newly forged Fascist Party would hold no such preconceived pacifistic pussiness.

• We have the Marxist-Leninist Party. Marx we understand, but Lenin? Wasn't he one of those wild Soviet tsars with murderous tendencies? Junior High School history lessons were a long way back, but Lenin was the predecessor to Stalin—so he couldn't have been all that fantabulous if Soviet voters chose him over Lenin! To compete with the Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada, I propose any combination of the following gentlemen: Engels, Stalin, Zedong, Trotsky, Pol Pot, Chavez or Castro. Put the Marxist-Leninists up against an Engels-Stalinist or Trotsky-Maoist party, and give those Commies a taste of their own medicine: even further redistribution of the Canadian Communist vote.

• Drugs are hot these days. We already have the Marijuana Party, but that’s simply not enough. Let's create the Drug Party; not a creative moniker, but a breakfast of Psilocybin-laced muffins will kick off a creative brainstorming session and make an intoxicating press event. The Crack Cocaine Party or, say, the Partido Narcótico smack us with a sober succinctness, while the Smack-Attack Drug Liberation Army Party or the Psychedelic Magic Powder Happy Pill, Dude! Party are more creative names further in tune with the desired hallucinogenic mood. Either way, more drug-fueled parties (the political type, I should reiterate) means more usually uninvolved hippy-types more likely to come out and vote—or at least think about it before falling asleep in front of Half Baked. It’s the thought that counts, especially when you're tripping on LSD (ooh, there’s another one: the Legalize & Standardize Dope Party? —that's an idea worth dropping a tab to).

• The Bloc Quebecois want to see Quebec as its own nation, separate from Canada. What makes Quebec so darned special? They speak French? Well, let Albertans create their own language: 'Albertan', which is English with summa dat ol' country twang, and then let ‘em create a new federal party to represent their newfound individuality: the Bloc Alberta. Leader? Jill Doosep, cowgirl with an attituuuuude! Make room for Bloc Newfoundland and Labrador, as well—all those Atlantic salmon without their own nation to die for! Then, make the separatist movement even more ridiculous by extending it to cities: the Bloc Charlottetown, the Bloc Vancouver, and Bloc Toronto. These cities are deserving of their own nation-state, are they not? If Quebec wants it, why should Regina not be worthy of wanting it as well? Or even Quebec City for that matter? Bloc Quebec Cityois!

• Sex sells. And people always want more sex. So put two and two together, and establish a party that will fight against the conservative prudes uncomfortable with the concept of human sexuality, including mass porn-viewing festivals and citywide orgies. The Party…In Your Pants will fight for your right to get freaky! If that doesn’t turn you on, nothing in politics ever will.

• While Conservatives are seen as the party most in sync with the American Republicans (and derided by their opposition as such), Canada has no real pro-America party. Whereas the Conservatives give the impression of listening to the Canadian populace on occasion rather than rightfully taking orders from the always-correct Republican Leadership south of the border, Canada needs a Republican-like party to provide freedom and liberty, tax-cuts and corporatism, patriotism and eagles. Lots of eagles. These patriots will be the American Party of Canada. So American, in fact, that the leader will be chosen for his dim-witted personality, chimpish good looks, and blood relation to the Bush family (second cousin to George H.W.? You’re the next P.M.!), and party policy will be the Republican platform with some bear hugs and maple syrup thrown in for added Canadian-ness. Tax cuts, war, and terror are the guiding principles: Canada will increase its presence on the international stage, with military spending quadrupled and a 1300% increase in terrorist attacks on our soil in the first month, the conversion of Canada from a much-loved country to one that is hated worldwide, and the addition of eight additional provinces: All oil-producing ones in the Middle East—coincidentally of course. God Bless Canada!

• Many stress Canada's weak patriotism and depleted nationalism. Mel Hurtig's National Party of Canada in the early nineties was a noble gesture but not a great success by any means. Another staunchly pro-Canada party would be great in this day and age—which is why the new Patriot Party of Canada will give away not only free maple-leaf buttock tattoos (real ones) and beaver-hunting lessons, but also cases of Molson Canadian to every Canadian! Well, as long as Molson remains Canadian-owned—unlike Labatt (owned by Belgian company Interbrew), makers of Blue and other faux-Canadian brews. The Patriot Party will make nationalization of all Canadian breweries a major campaign focus—a huge issue since one of few things we do better than Americans is brew beer…

…And uphold democracy.

While the United States is essentially stuck with what amounts to a two-party system, Canadians have what is becoming a strong five-party one. By the looks of it, Canada’s democratic system can only flourish even further from here.

God bless Canada, indeed!