The Men Who Would Be President

Jan 19 2004
Counterbias.com
Robert Furs

Unless you’re a regular user of the internet, a casual viewer of CNN or The Daily Show,  or someone who reads words printed on connected pieces of paper (termed “magazines” or “newspapers”), you probably don’t know much about the US Democratic presidential race that is dominating that nation’s political scene. Or, maybe you choose not to pay attention to the information presented to you. Either way, here’s a primer on the five major candidates—one of which will run against everyone’s favorite politician, George W. Bush—for those who could care less.

John Kerry: The first genuine smear from the Republicans against this genuine war hero was that he looked “French”. Well, not a genuine smear, but his long face could look French if you’re drunk and just finished off your sixth serving of freedom fries. Nonetheless, this “JFK” could be the next big thing. His experience, strength on national security (he’s a Vietnam vet), and record of fighting corruption—leading the investigation into Iran-Contra in the 80’s—are a testament to Kerry’s capability. Still, his lack of personality could be a problem, but that never stopped Al Gore. Or did it?

Howard Dean: Dr. Dean, the no-necked former governor of Vermont , has an odd-looking grin. And he’s really popular, too (probably not because of the grin, though). A high-powered combo of a revolutionary internet-based campaign, and his stern denunciation of the Iraq war, propelled Dean to the top of the Democratic charts. The media’s focus on Dean as the sure winner set the ball rolling even further, boosting his popularity—but also shone light on his past conservative ways, pictured him as overly “angry” and un-Presidential, making voters reconsider whether this Northeastern liberal was capable of beating Bush. Dean is a conundrum for the Democratic party:  should they support Dean because of the anti-war leftists and new and young voters he’s attracting, or chop him down because of all the moderate, undecided voters that he could alienate? Dean is a force to be reckoned with—that is, if he can reckon with the attacks laid on him. His manic, pro-wrestler-like speech after his surprisingly poor showing in the Iowa caucuses may have just put him out of the running.

Joe Lieberman: As Jon Stewart of The Daily Show puts it, Joe is the guy for “people who want to vote for Bush but don’t think he’s Jewish enough”. Lieberman is seen as a moderate (ie. conservative) Democrat who—even though Al Gore’s running mate in ’00 —has failed to make any impact in ‘04. The fact that he’s a favorite of right-wing pundits, gets endorsements only from right-wing publications, and seems more pro-war and jingoistic than Bush himself, gives this boring old fart no chance of squeaking out as the Democratic contender. Maybe try for the Republican nomination in four years, Joe—you don’t smell any prettier than George W.

Wesley Clark: Deemed a closet Republican by some, Wes is known for being a four-star retired General, former commander of NATO, a recent CNN military analyst, and someone who has admittedly voted for Nixon and Reagan. Clark’s policies are quite liberal (his progressive tax policy, for example, or pro-choice views that at least one website has deemed “extremist”), and his staunch criticism of Bush has become Clark’s new forte, so it’s safe to conclude that this lifelong Independent is a Democrat at heart. And when you realize that Nixon and Reagan were more truthful and less radical, respectively, than Bush, those past votes can be forgiven.

John Edwards: This trial lawyer (corporations, duck!) has been compared to Clinton in his ability to connect with people, and make members of the opposite sex swoon in politically charged ecstasy. A baby-faced fifty year old, Edwards is a Southerner who focuses on running a positive campaign. Americans are responding positively to that positivity. All except for Republicans, who appear to be fearful of this possible threat: “Edwards is my biggest concern”. “Damn…My great fear is that Edwards might have a chance”. “Edwards has the charm”. And most pointedly, “I can't imagine any Democrat beating Bush, although I am now mildly interested in John Edwards. He seems to have some likable qualities” (all direct quotes from Republicans at an online forum). Ouch, Presidente!

Whether you genuinely despise George W. Bush, or hate him just a little bit, you can agree that he’s got some tough competition gearing up to take him on in November. American Democratic voters will make the tough choice of who of the above will be the fiercest and most electable contender against Bush. And the world can sit back and watch the festivities unfold, wishing that we had a say in the process, and hoping that our friends to the south choose the right man for the job.